flyingakiteatnight.co.uk

Abnormal service may be resumed again at some point.

I’m already behind in my 100 facts doofer but I’ve had a bit of a crisis on the go which I’m hoping is slowly starting to improve so I can get stuck back into boring you all with my pseudo-facts very soon I hope.

’cause i bake these beats all fresh and crispy

As of 2005, three out of four people now make up 75% of the population.

Hard to believe, but it’s true!

Fact five, a cat has 32 muscles in each ear.

Or so I was told once. Sounds like shite to me

Day four and this is already getting tough.

Fact four, I missed my chance for fame as a national hero.

A few years back my girlfriend at the time won a competition and the prize was a load of Diesel gear and we were supposed to get a trip round the MTV studios in London.

The opportunity to garner the praise of our proud Nation hit me - During filming I’d run onto the set and punch Richard Blackwood square in the face, live on air.  Surely such an act would have endeared me to millions!

Unfortunately the tour never happened though.  And so, alas, my chance to become a hero to the nation passed me by.

Ah, what could have been…

I have a terrible, terrible memory.

I think it’s almost certainly hereditary, everyone in my family (genetically from my Dad’s side) has an awful memory I think. I can’t quite remember

I can look at my watch and if someone asks me the time three milliseconds after I’ve moved it away from my face I will have no idea what time it is. Similarly, I can look at a a CD or a book or something in my room and think “I need to take that downstairs.” and the very next instant set off downstairs without it even entering my mind.

The only reason I can remember my name is because I have it written on the inside of my underwear…

(Am I joking?)

My tooth still hurts.

No, I’m joking, that’s not my fact.  (Oh the japery.)  It does still bloody hurt though.

Anyway.  Fact-facty-fact-fact.

You know when you go to the supermarket and you have to put £1 in the little lock on the trolleys to release one?  I used to make the key-things that you put back into the lock to get your £1 back.

I also used to make the arms that push your money out of the cash machine.

So the next time the cash machine is giving you some crisp notes, remember that you have me to thank for it spitting them out.  Remember it, and then put 5% of it to one side to pay to me later as a little thank you for my help

Today I had a root canal.

Well, no, today I had 1/2 of a root canal and have to go back next month to have it finished.

It was on the second-molar-from-the-back on the upper left.

Considering the reputation this procedure has I didn’t feel a single thing during the treatment (other than the needles o’ novocaine being plunged into my gum and the roof of my mouth beforehand) but I do have an excellent dentist so maybe I should put my lack of discomfort down to him?

Well, until the novocaine wore off. That’s when the discomfort does come. In droves.

Then it hurt like a complete bastarding bastard.

And that, my friends, was Fact Number One.

…I see what you mean.

Y’know, more often I mean. I ponder that every day.

I mean, it’s crazy. I’m a twenty-something. We’re supposed to be thrilling, up to all sorts, with stories that will shock and amaze!

Hmm.

So what did I do today?

I spent the day in Excel playing with nested if statement after nested if statement after nested if statement.

Hmm, maybe it’s for the best that I don’t blog more often…